400 Moons

the shift: letting go

"There's a note, I found; Reminding me, not to wait.
That you'd come and look for me,
and not to wait.
I can't explain where the love goes,
I can't explain
cause I don't know...It finds a way" (The Frames)

Even though this winter has been quite mild, there is a clear shift in the seasons as we move into Spring. Bulbs I buried in the ground last Fall are popping up. Recently I looked up and the grass was full and green. My doors and windows are staying open to let in new air. Blossoms are finally ready to show themselves. All was dormant for a bit, but is starting to wake back up. To come alive again.

Including me.

I finally feel like I am back to the living and past the heaviest of the grief. I have turned this big corner recently. My spirit feels a little lighter, more open. My confidence snuck back in. And against all of my efforts to get back to the person I had been, I have finally let go into the person I am suppose to be moving forward. It hit me one day that I will never be able to go back. That I shouldn't even want to actually. Too much learned and loved and lost to be the same person. It was the letting go of the life I believed I was going to have that I have been clinging to. The last intense phase necessary before really being ready to move forward.

I think most of us start out believing we know what our lives will look like and we move towards it. We take the appropriate steps. Lots of times it seems to work out great, and for the most part resembles what we envisioned. In my case I fell in love with Eric, we married, we lived in a neighborhood that we adored, there were plenty of friends and promise of children, and travel, and following our passions. I was taking those appropriate steps, but my journey took an unexpected turn, and one day I woke up and there was a quiet storm rolling in. And before I knew it, everything I knew to be my life was beginning to crumble. And despite any desperate grasping and pleading to keep things on the path I expected they should be, it became clear that I had no say so. It wasn't about me and there was nothing I could do to make it different. It is impossible to describe how unsettling this feels. There was a quiet, dormant space that my soul went upon this realization, and only recently have I felt it begin to emerge again. While it stayed deep down, safe from all of the upheaval and grief that my emotional side needed to process through, my soul stitched back up into a stronger version of itself. Turns out, from struggles and turmoil can come transformation. When it all crumbles around you, there is the option to decide what to pick back up and piece back together. All of this time was necessary to emerge with a real understanding of love and what connections truly are. To shed so much of what has weighed me down all of these years. To let go of expectations in order to open up possibilities. Insecurity, judgement, and independence are being replaced by confidence, openness, and connection. This transformation has been in no way easy, only necessary.

These last 8 months I have been as disconnected from myself as I have ever been though. I couldn't seem to take one more hit, one more loss, and they kept coming. There was a lot of anger and feeling victim. I had no interest in finding the silver lining or good in anything. I misplaced my confidence, and completely lost the battle with the depression phase of grieving. It was all a result of my last ditch effort to fight and kick my way back to what had existed before. But that life that I so desired to still have was literally no longer an option anymore. Because it involved Eric. That option was off of the table that Monday evening on June 14th. That is a difficult thing to want to let go of, especially when it all happened so quickly. But one day I gave in to that being okay. I let the idea of that life go because it was time to, and when I did, the beautiful reality of what it actually is came flooding in. It exists in a very different realm for me now, and in some strange way it is much more connected then when he was on earth. When I finally let it go and asked God to just do whatever he had planned, and I would be open for it, things immediately shifted. Immediately. All of the road maps are being made available and each step is clear, so it's as simple as following them, staying open to them, and having faith. Maybe one day I will have some form of that life I envisioned, but I am less concerned with the details. I have begun to embrace that the final destination each day is to find our way to that place where our purpose meets our maker. And all of the rest is what makes your journey your own.